Monday, January 10, 2022

For No Reason

I've often wondered why we do things? Really & truly - Why? Are we creatures of habits driven by parameters of norm, mundane, & acceptable? Or do we all harbor a subdued, no tranquilized maniac of our own history - personal, social and deeply rooted/ embedded in the wildness of our animal states. Are the imposed norms only to keep the monster at bay - hidden, invisible, even unknown or at least, un-acknowledged?

I'm a perfectly normal person - by all visible standards, even to myself. But recently, I've discovered my monster- me. And after leading a mundane life of 62 years as a tiresomely married bored housewife, I discovered my yen in life - that joy which adds a glow to our face, a sparkle in our eyes and a spring to our steps. My friends at the coffee club have noticed & commented. With a little smirk " Are you having an affair??" What rubbish - At my Age?? Anyways, which man can keep a woman satisfied for long. No, no...I am wise. I've found my own love inside me - I've found my monster. That's enough. 

I'm a little surprised that I am telling you this - for what I've been doing is unthinkable, unspeakable - pure Evil and I've no reason for it - just cheap thrills at my age. So little of that left. I worry that my talking about this can get me into trouble - the worst amongst it All being I'll be made to stop. Can't even bear to think about it. I'll just have to make sure I don't get caught - it's been eight times so far and while it's all over the press, no one has a clue...the stories or theories are so wild. I'm aiming for ten... and then who knows?

So, why am I telling - because I've mastered a skill - a horrific, unbearable, but consummate skill of true artistry - and can an artist really exist without the life-sap of an audience, the appreciator? So with me.

So let me tell you from the beginning. I've grown heavy, ok just fat, as I've grown older. And you know, the mister is so vain - his wife should alwats look nice. I Do look nice - but it's not enough. Tell me which 60 year old can look like a 30 year old - not happening. Yet, nag, nag, nag, nag. Lose weight, don't waddle, don't eat so much - All the time! Yeah, yeah, yeah... If I don't eat, how will I keep my strength?? It's been unbearable since he retired. Fix the wifey is his new time-pass hobby. 

Anyways, to get way and get him out of my hair, I have started taking long walks at night - after dinner. We stay close to a cliff and the walk takes me along the Arabian Sea. Anyways, nothing happens at home - he likes playing on his phone with his social-media friends well into the night - or watching those sorry, sick videos - as if I don't know!! And I go for my walk.  

I'm big for a woman now - when I was young my tall litheness was termed - elegant. Somehow I married this tiny mouse of a man - arranged marriage you know... families were well matched. I guess an evening walk will do me good.

I started enjoying my walks - the silence, the sound of the waves, crickets, the many moods of night - stars, the lights from fishing boats pencilled across the horizon. I suppose I should thank him - but No Way!!

The path is lit by a solar lights with motion detectors - and I walk in this pools of light between envelopes of deep darkness - minding my own business. It's funny watching my shadow shorten and stretch out - dark black against white LED floodlight - reminds me of the old B&W movies - I was drawn to the sinister even as a kid.
 
One day I saw this stranger sitting alone at the cliff - so still, calm, staring out into the ocean. Seemed so centered, replete, complete into his own self. Something drew me towards him. As I approached him I saw my shadow lumber and then loom & lengthen in high contrast over him. He must have sensed my presence, or its darkness. He turned - with a smile. 

Was it the smile? I'll never know. It was the gentlest sweetest smile - utterly guileless. It's etched into my memory. I don't know what came over me - I just lunged and pushed - with All my might. A crash a few seconds later - it was all over. Lethal

1 comment:

Javier said...

Dear Arati, lovely to see you keep on writing, keep on growing and exploring your inner demons. I always saw a bright light in you, keep on shining my dear! Love Javier x