Story of a Lilly

A few years back I acquired a Lilly bulb and buried it in soil in my front yard. It took a couple of years for it to grow, mature, and flower..clumps of white flowers, fragrant, burst forth at ends of light green proud stalks.

A few years later the plant had multiplied and transformed into a gigantic clump of many joint Lillies, holding each other tight - like a family. They took over my tiny space, blocked sunlight for plants growing under, and squeezed out root space for other plants - they proliferated, profusely, mindlessly, uncaring of the others that I was also trying to raise. So, one fine day, this monsoon, I decided it was time for change, and deliberately pulled the giant Lilly clump out...then I chucked it hard and far to the end of the yard. It lay there on its side, a sad, sorry family of a once proud Lilly family. I would encounter it every day as I walked out with my bucket of washed clothes to dry them on the clothesline. Initially, I was very sorry, and decided that I would gather up the bulbs and replant them, so they could again live and make their own, new families. But somehow, the leisure for this act, that I sincerely wished, never came. I was callous, careless, and forgot in every moment of free time. Soon, I even stopped noticing this clump, lying pitifully on its side.

Then one day, I noticed that the clump was no longer lying on the side. It had, with great energy, pushed itself, upright, and towards light. I thought " Good - but maybe I should move it to a better spot.." - that also never happened. Yesterday, I discovered, it had shot forth a light green fleshy stalk and there was a bud at the end of it. I rejoiced and blogged about it.

Sacred Secular

I am a self proclaimed agnostic...maybe there is a God, or many Gods, a spirit that guides us, or a greater truth that beckons us. I have decided that if this whole damn life business is just a Maya, an illusion, then let me be illuded, deluded, play the part - as if its real - participate in earnestness in this great time-pass. I seek no liberation, no salvation, no enlightenment, no heaven beyond now, no hell to guide my moral force. And yet, can I really discount the religion and culture that fashioned me - that unerringly still guides my path, untangles my rights from wrongs? I dance to a background orchestra, chorus of all my ancestors that I call my conscience. My conscience is my only true mentor, a guide to what I will and I will not do, boundaries that I can never cross, at least in my imagination. My imagination itself the sheet on which I lay down my paints, my lines and its vastness is bequeathed to me by my past. This past that put me in direct play with the entire vast universe, animate, vibrant, where all roles between all its substances, are continually interchanging, a rock could one day be me, and I - a scuttering cockroach - all apparently in a blink of an eye, in seamless movement of time, backwards, forwards, across dimensions and multi-dimensional.

Yet, I get ahead of myself. The background first, since all of this has a purpose - an agenda, as do many of my blogs. A dialogue in quietness with myself to resolve inner questions, or at least phrase the questions better.

I grew up in a conservative Jain joint family. We belonged to a sect that called itself sthanakvasi and swetambar - which means that the family did not participate in idol worship and our monks wore clothes. All our living, actions, inter relationships within the family, with the outside, to the animate and the inanimate world and to the world of Gods, demi-Gods, devils and demons was played out within this backdrop, this stage of being a conservative Jain. It was a colorful world of effortlessly intermingled real and imaginary, present and mythical, spiritual and magical. It effected the way we thought, spoke and acted. There was a singy song for many things we did, like,

One sin to spill water
five to spill milk
countless sins to waste food
if intentionally willed!

and this would have its opposing counter of

One punya for gifting water
five to gift milk
countless punya for gifting food
if intentionally willed!
---
punya = a good deed credit that counts towards one's postion in next birth.

When we spilt milk, we bowed and smeared some of it on our foreheads - that we place you with respect on the top of our being, and intended no offense by our carelessness.

As Jains, we were very strictly vegetarian and staunch followers of non violence. Thus grandmother would rinse her plate after every meal and drink this water; allow ants, mosqitoes to bite her without waving them away ( because they needed to live); the louse we got in our hair as kids was gently wrapped in strips of soft cotton and taken far away to let free; no pesticides were ever used inside our home; we did not eat many vegetables during most year, and for the four monsoon months, we ate no vegetables at all. This was the time when jains of all sects performed great number of fasts, with and without water; it was a time for prayer and purification; time to work off some of the accumulated karma by self denial, and disciplined non-action, because all action involved violence,visible or otherwise.

Through out the year, grand father filled dairies with religious mantra, and these pages were torn, mixed with flour, and fed to the giant red carps in the pools - we stared at the greedy carps in wonder while grandma told us that they were greedy to improve their next rebirth by eating all the powerful mantra stuff. So the fish would become humans, and humans could become fish, ant, bird, or God (enlightened souls). We were told that we were in this endless game of enjoying rewards, or living out punishments for our actions in previous births - only when this accounting was zero (not just equating one's sins and punya) , could we become truly enlightened.

And then there were stories, stories for every evening of my childhood, sitting with a brood of another ten, twelve cousins at grandfather's feet to listen to stories of princes, monks, magic, and the glory of the highest enlightenment - liberation from the cyclical birth and deaths. I only remember asking one question often " If there is no birth after enlightenment, where do you live?" The answer was always " there is no you - so you do not need a place to live" and this completely boggled my young imagination. Could not imagine a no-me! Now I can imagine a no-me even without dying - is this a realisation or a delusion?

This background that fashioned me, I completely rejected, as an adult, in my evolution to be a superior rational being. My living world is guided by mostly rational actions, or at least logically justifiable. In fact, I place a greatest value on both rational thought and consequential actions - in that order. However, I have been denying this sneaky suspicion that often times, my actions are already identified, and then I use reason and rationale to justify them - that is, I am living my life backwards. I remember, this was often a way I approached science. I often instinctively knew the answer - that only left a minor problem of working out the math. Now, it appears that despite my great show as a modern, urban, educated, westernised woman, I am mostly faking this layer over my true self that I had little to do with crafting. My truths, boundaries, texture of my compassion, the depth of my non-violence did not come from the lengthy hours with physics texts. And by rejecting this core, I have somehow broken that thread of continuity that would have served my children well. This is after all the crux of my problem. In rejecting religion, I have somehow failed to rig signposts, shine beacons, illuminate a way with an inclusive awareness of all nature, respect for all props in their maya dance. The importance of self that imbues a modern western model does not acknowledge our minor role in the universal web, or the greater consequences of collective individual drive. It fails to speak to children in a tongue of wise ancestors, separate sacred from the profane, of magical possibility of irrationality, of compassionate responsibility that is larger than a person's singular drive to success. At their tender age, between youth and adult, world beckons them to high exam scores, shiny career options, point them towards job options that will buy them real estate, car, wine - but will they, like me, even know that they are nursing an emptiness of these accumulations, will they have a vocabulary to reach deep and listen - to a voice beyond rationale, reason, to quest for themselves when they have acquired everything and it means nothing? Is this how we have all failed? we, the next generation of parents that have substituted glitzy TV for stories, presents for personal time, logic for conscience?? Have we failed, so terribly?? How do we atone? What should I do?

Chengara Land Struggle Story

Is this an unfortunate, grievous repetition - an aberration by the country's Left? or are the so called People's parties now setting up a new fad of prostituting ideologies, philosophies, changing sides from representing the injured, down trodden, to sucking up those injuring? selling rights of the weak majority for the favor from the privileged few? Again the CPI(M) govt. , in Kerela this time, is choosing a clash course with tribals in Chengera by reversing promises made for land.....however, I got this story at Mutiny which carries it in fuller detail here- and then following up other video documentaries links in Youtube.

Economics of Education

It is a prevalent belief in certain circles, that education is a panacea for all social evils...I belonged to that club. The belief is founded on a myth, that education gives you a choice, a determination of livelihood, if not of life itself. Granted, if education gives you awareness, ability to think, assess, critically analyse, have an opinion...then those are all steps in the right direction. But, one usually takes a more particular stance of education removing global hunger, poverty, environmental crises, class disparities. Somehow, even within the educated class, providing education to the poor, is seen as a solution, that by providing economic security, resolves all other individual and social manifestation of poverty.

I have recently been thinking...questioning the premise...if all 6 billion of us were educated, capable of making a choice, would there still be choice?Would the world turn into a Lenon-ish Imagine-able utopia? or would the 'choice' still remain select, finite, now drawing from a much larger pool of wannabe capables? would not the global, market driven systems, then quickly short change the now redundant educated masses, for a rarer species of say, garbage collectors?

Probing, further, into shakier economic grounds, it appears that education cannot create wealth. Education leads (most frequently) to white collar jobs and allows flourishing of service sectors that help redistribute wealth. But can the entire global population become service providers-to the top percent of the truly wealthy, individuals, corporations, governments -the ones with wealth and capacity/power to generate wealth? What creates wealth? or more pertinently, who creates wealth? And can this wealth be created without the support (willing or abused) of global people, global resources. Is wealth, not just commodity - necessary or desirable?monetary currency just a facilitator of the earliest barter system for exchanges of goods? Then, how can education, generate wealth, prosperity, and ultimately peace? Are we chasing a pipe dream - or deliberately keeping our eyes closed, that we can dream a dream, not fully black?

Or...I am thinking completely wrong about this, and someone will tell me how- to let me dream a dream.

Grass Roots Impotence

Yesterday, CONCERN- a student organisation of IISc. campus, screened two highly disturbing documentaries related to globalisation, and development focusing on the "other side" of the great progress in free India - the victims who pay the cost.

"Development Flows from the Barrel of a Gun" documented the demonic, vengeful operations by our police force to suppress any local resistance to large development projects ranging from big dams and mining, to world bank supported forestry projects in the tribal areas within the country. With organised and ruthless use of state sanctioned power, the police in each instance resorted to the use of force and firearms to silence protesters, imprisoning many and causing several fatalities.

On a more optimistic note "The Bitter Drink" documented the people's protest in Plachimada against the Coca Cola plant that caused drastic scarcity of potable water in the area, and the subsequent closing down of the unit.

In the active discussion that followed the screening, the foremost concern that stood out was, " I care, but what can I do....???" There was amongst the younger generation, empathy for the plight of the victims in these struggles, but also a great feeling of helplessness, impotence about an individual's role in our so called democracy where the political will, social drive, corruption, ineffective judicial system all conspired to silence the voices of those most adversely affected by India's rush towards development.

So what can one do? What can I do? Can a country really be called free, democratic, when its progress is geared towards blind consumerism, for the already consuming- more malls, more cars, more roads, more airports, more , more, more....when the elitist institutes like IISc. parrot the popular middle class mantra of 'more'- more fundings, more buildings, and aspire only for higher international standards, better international facilities, agressive international competitiveness...when we fail to include , locally, socially, ethically, individual, personal, environmental, and national needs-and are proud at our own 'exclusiveness' what message are we sending out to the younger generation? Is it a message of any value, to all of us? of equity and equality? when did we stop pondering about all of this? who else will think about this, can think about this? except the well fed , free thinkers of our sabotaged society? You!

Biased Towards a Conscience

About a year back, I was telling my kids a story about 'living by one's conscience', and realised that neither had come across the word 'conscience'. They were twelve and fourteen at that time. I was surprised and more than a bit upset that as a mother I had failed to introduce this important concept to them. It also occured to me, then, that this word was neither introduced, nor nurtured in education systems designed to produce future generations of upwardly mobile, western imitating Indian middle class consumers - 'conscience' was probably outdated, and mostly non-relevant in the present age.

I was reminded of this incidence recently when I came across a vehemently pro-environmental argument by a youngster who worked as a financial advisor to a MNC of questionable integrity; he also stated one of his favourite hobby as playing at the stock market. It was laudable that the person spoke up for saving the natural spaces, forests, rivers, but, did he realise that his environmental interests were probably in conflict with his professional life and hobbies that were so closely tied to developing global markets, finances. It then occured to me that professional choices are seldom governed by enquiry or thoughts of right versus wrong, consistency with personal values, whether this choice impinges on other freedoms- for species to exist, equitable rights to resources, common natural heritage, questions of better livelihood, and further development? The question to ask, "If I gain, who loses?" is rarely pondered. Final choices are made based primarily on financial considerations, and future prospects by the fastest accrument of wealth.

So, have we as parents, and a society failed in someway-not provided a map, a compass, to judge ourselves and our lives by? Are the glittering towers of USA, fancy possessions, heavy real estate become our sole aspirations, a scale on which we measure our self worth? our worth within a peer group? To answer these questions-one needs to step back and ask "what is conscience?", "is conscience necessary?" and only then "why have we failed?"

Conscience, I was taught at an early age, is that little voice, your friend, who tells you right from wrong, good from bad. As a young child, this mysterious, unseen friend, was real-as real as parents' love, home security. When in doubt, I tried to listen to my friend-did not always succeed, since worldly temptations were on the rise even then-but this friend prevented several wrong doings, that would necessarily have changed the course of my life. Now I realise that 'conscience' is a social construct, a conditioning, a facilitator of decision making keeping a social perspective invisibly present. This voice was no doubt introduced and nourished both at home and school, and also the environment I grew up in.

When I was in school, we had a class every week called "moral science"-it consisted of short stories of real people-and via this clearly separated righteousness, from wrong, true from false, conflicts of personal freedom, versus social responsibility-it moralised by real examples, by separating true heroes, acts of courage. I remember both the scoff of the more worldly in the class, but also the deep impression these stories made on me. The present younger generation would no doubt call such classes or stories "lame" but how else does one teach the young to both be socially participative, responsible? Isn't that a necessary condition for the existence of a peaceful, prosperous society-to realise that one is also a strand in a social web? Even if 'conscience' is just a social construct, laying down rules for operation and growth of both individual and group, can purely individual gains suffice in an atmosphere of social strife and conflict? Isn't the larger common good, also good at a personal level-a freedom from fears, insecurities that the 'haves' suffer in societies with severe disparities of wealth and opportunities. While our individual citizens compete to hold global titles of the wealthiest, our society boasts of largest debt-deaths by farmers, shameful infant-mortality, rampant dowry-deaths; lack of drinking water is our bane, sanitation not even a priority, education a means to export children out for dollars-the choice of our enlightened.

We do not have a pause to consider, make a conscious choice-when choosing a bride, a car, a school-market chooses our career, advertisements our lifestyles. Instead of looking outward, all the time, for happiness - imitating fake pictures advertising happiness as wealth, accumulation, power, isn't it time to look closer home, at the world we have made, are a part of, all the way inwards to our heart, to our little voice, our friend?

Horror of Horrors!

Last night, the first rains hit us in Bangalore-today the residence campus wore a sparkley look of a well scrubbed child-glistening, moist, clean-very clean. I decided to walk back home from one of those rare ventures out of the walled, green world that I live in...into the real world of chaotic traffic, noise, puddles from the afternoon rain. The mood was upbeat, almost daring - to wander out, far, in a drizzle full of evening light.

The walk back home took me past a campus gate thats usually locked-today it was open-I was happy to be able to reach into the campus, sooner than expected, anticipating a dark, drippy walk through the familiar forested areas-a quiet, meandering to the back end of my home. What I saw belies imagination, of the worst sort, a living nightmare-the forest had vanished! Large tracts now lay beaten, brown with large concrete frames rising from it. Monuments were being built, monuments to egos larger than mortal frames, egos seeking to imprint their transitory existence into concrete immortal blocks, of steel, glass-green now vanished, vanquished, scheduled to reappear- isolated into tiny islands of manicured lawns, well appointed bush, a correctly angled tree, imagined in the minds and offices of architects, city planners employed to creatively orchestrate this destruction.

What assumed rights leads to such behavior, the megalomaniac tendencies of human race, to destroy to create- more and more out-of-proportion with our rights, our race? With what callousness do we wipe out-the rights of life, of species, big and small-of trees that breathe? birds that sing? flowers that bloom?

Beyond the horror of destroying a living, green, forest, what does a scientific institute like ours hope to achieve? A large bill board advertises the nature of the project and its cost. Various science departments are being relocated from their old, functioning buildings of aged, mulled, stone, to swanky spaces-also a guest house for the foreign dignitaries. We must remember, that who we are, is not what we do, but how we clothe, the face we show - to an audience of 'international' (read first world) peers. The cost of these set of buildings-about Rupees 48 crores!!Will these new buildings enable/ guarantee better science, productivity? studies of more socially relevant, environmentally sensitive topics, which the nation needs? With what right does our government appropriate such vastly inappropriate sums of national funds to irrational, irrelevant, non-contexted science that does not raise us from poverty, illiteracy, inequity which grinds into the pores of daily life-grits the flavor of our existence?

To provide context, it requires about one lakh to do watershed development for a village, similar or less to open a balwaadi for primary education. Basic health care and a first aid centre between a few villages is still an unheard fantasy!
So, one can either have 4800 of such programs, or 4 fancy buildings for IISc!! And note, much more is being built for empire expansion within this campus! I am only talking about the project that I crossed today-other side of the campus is a bigger mess using probably, bigger funds!

The question is, how much of this activity has the attention of what fraction of our enlightened faculty?? Did they know and not care? or not know? or not want to know? Why do the students not protest? Are there no angels, sentinels to guard what we so wantonly destroy? To keep us off the destructive path? Who will save us?

Medical Tourism and Such...

We have friends visiting India from the US, for dental work. Apparently, it costs their insurance company less to fly them over to India, and take care of their fillings, root canals, etc. than to do the same in the US. Having stayed for over a decade in the US, I can personally vouch that the dentists in India are much better. So my sympathies are entirely with my friends-they rather see a dentist here-it is cheaper, better. However, there is always a further story to tell.

Bangalore, like all the other fast developing metros in India, is seeing a rapid rise in promoting, read- selling, human resources as a primary commodity to the markets of hard currency developed nations-service oriented businesses flourish catering to the lifestyles of folks from the wealthy world. BPO centers to provide services at the touch of a button, western model health care facilities and well being centers to cope with stress of too much money, too many goodies, too much self indulgence, abuse of the self. Apparently, a cataract surgery that costs about 300USD, for both eyes, in India, costs as much as 2000USD per eye, in USA. So, you see, the incentives for the foreign patients, or their insurance companies, is very large. It is easy, now, to combine a serious surgery with a recuperating holiday in the Kerela backwaters- massages, beaches, entertainment, shopping all thrown in. All of this is well and fine-some people need money, others need services-good barter for both.But, what is bothersome, in case of outsourcing medical care is that the same, or even a smallest fraction of these facilities, are not available to most of the society. Between all the doctors or medical workers still leaving the country for better opportunities abroad and an increasing in-home competition for the higher paying foreign markets, the system is highly strapped in meeting the health requirements for most of its own people. Rural health care is no longer an attractive choice for the budding generation of doctors that graduate each year. A government that subsidizes, to a very large extent, all higher education within the country, leaves consumers to decide what happens to the end product of its social investments. And thats precisely because the government itself is running around-selling itself short, selling itself fast, selling land, water, energy, food, basic necessities as rapidly as it can to large corporations, either from home or abroad. The strength of our nation is now gauged in terms of buying power of its burgeoning middle class, rather than the percentage that are fed, educated, healthy. Throwing away the rights of the common man, our largest pool, has assured us respect with WTO, GAT, and other MNC controlled global policy makers. Besides cheap, displacable labor, and a corruptible vote bank in our so called democratic system, the poor amount to little else with the schemers at the top. And this is what sets the tone for a national conscience, or a lack of it.

What we have to ask, is whether an inclusive, equitable society of equal opportunities is not the more beneficial for our nationhood, our lifestyles, even our economics. Do we really gain by keeping a majority of our population non-accounted in our plans, future goals, directions?Is it in our best interest to entirely marginalise a majority and then complain at the violence it breeds, hatred it nurtures -generation upon generation. Is seeking global economic prosperity making us blind to the filth we generate in our backyards-humans whose hopelessness will hit us harder than any terrorism seen so far.

So what is a solution? As a friend wisely said, enforce conscriptions in army for all, and make a country hesitant in waging war-or in this case, make all of society contribute towards upliftment of its weaker sections, in-kind, for the benefits it receives. This will go towards meeting the basic needs of the majority, to ensure long term stability of a society and also go a long way in sensitizing our privileged young to a path of right action-where more than just economic success govern life goals.

Last Night-A Student Suicide

1. A suicide-
a young life
lost
to all generations
her pain
branding shame
on society
that does not care
give a damn
or share-
leaving us with
jagged lives
our maybes, and whys
just to forget
this sorrow
by tomorrow.

2. Shame

A corpse was wandering
an almost corpse
still breathing,
fighting,calling,
beseeching for help
imploring,
in a silent voice.

No luck anywhere,
hospitals cant accept
an almost corpse
a police case,paperwork
a duty, easy to shirk.

Finally,
the almost corpse
finds a resting place,
hands that agree to help-
strip her bare,
of jewelery and cash,
strip her of all
that could be sold
-maybe even her soul!

When it was a corpse,
they robbed her still,
demanding cash
from crying relatives,
to let her go,
whom they would not
accept before,
to a last journey
back home
and bid goodbye,
her spirit free
to roam.