It is exactly half hour to my 50th birthday - and I wait with bated breath - will I become different? transform? suddenly old? Family listens with concern, that I do not want anything special - really, I don't. Want just a regular, relaxed, pottering-around day to wander, pause, stare, to take the beginning of this next decade, bit by bit, to slowly chew, savor the flavor of the moment - the right now. I hope I feel mellow, well fed, well slept, at peace with myself, within this external world.
Dont want to be compensated for what I have lost, and, what have I lost? youth? beauty? Maybe, maybe...I like the new me that I am becoming, as much as the old-young me that has slipped by. I like my unruly grey hair, the laughter lines, the new bold tenor to my voice, the stark strokes that my hands make on empty canvas, the body that still glides through water(oh, what pleasure!), a mind that still engages keenly, but more discerning, about what engages it - and my heart- I love my heart that is learning still to be more compassionate, have more grace, with age. I am happy that I now look strangers in their eye and smile - greetings you fellow human and may all good be with you!!I am more open now to the world, and to myself, and hope this will continue to be so.
So, what could I possibly desire from a day, that I don't already have? My children have made their gifts of love for me, a little turtle pendant, and green bead bracelet that I will wear with joy. Their love I'll wear with joy. I will, accept that I have reached this far, and the journey has been revealing and mine. I will accept this day, as my gift, with grace, as all the days still ahead of me. And that day is now - today!
Amen!
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