Lost Voyages, Lost Dreams

Dip, dip, dip,
my blue ship
sailing in the water
like a cup on saucer
dip, dip, dip.

Thats the ditty I sang to clapping hands, with friends, when I was a little girl.

This is my fourth day at sea on Eldemer-a sailing catamaran that is set on a long voyage up the Indian coast to Goa and then to cross the Arabian sea for exotic lands- Oman, Djibouti, Eritrea. The ocean is the deepest blue with depths of clear dark sapphires-swells take us up and down, bobbing, throwing up white frothy chiffon waves from the sides-the two sails stand tall and proud-beauties in white and blue. I seem to be living my childhood song "Dip, dip, dip..."

This is what I have dreamt of- for as long back as when memories merged with dreams. I remember long childhood hours lost in day dreams. What did I dream of then? Atleast some part was dreams of oceans wide and blue, imaginary lands, and adventures featuring both.

Over the last few days I have struggled with an incomprehension- a lack of joy, fulfillment, at dreams finally come true. The open infinite sea does not fill me with an unboundedness of freedom. I am confined to the 50 feet length of my vessel, set on a course, limited, confused, why the littleness of the vessel is becoming more important than the vast, empty, surrounding space.

I do not miss the ones I have left behind - I just miss the me that I have become in the long journey from childhood songs and lost daydreams. I miss the ability to change the course of my day- the freedom to walk away- to live life on a whim, the fancy of today, now. Is that control, or lack of control. Am I becoming a control freak or am I a mere dilatante? To allow continuous, connected moments to chart the chart the course of my day, life, not always unusual, exotic, but deliberate, conscious.

Tomorrow I get off at the first port- Mangalore- to head back home.